Today is a Red Day

Today is a RED day.

Since the year has started, I’ve marked each day green, every once in awhile yellow.

But today is the first RED day.

It started out normal. I woke up normal. I got ready normal. I logged into work normal. But then everything just fell apart. I couldn’t catch a breath all day.

Normally, when work is busy, I can compartmentalize it. Today wasn’t like that. My anxiety grabbed hold of me and pulled me under over and over. Even my medication didn’t help–it just made me slower–which made me more frustrated.

Today is a RED day.

It’s the first I’ve had in a long time. I have felt SO good. Foot problems aside, my brain has been strong. I’ve even been working on a recovery post. But now I see warning signs:  remaking lists over and over, projects piling up, reading EIGHT books at one time. Next week is February. Please don’t let me be arching up only to crash again.

Today is a RED day.

I got off early, so I’ve forced myself to take a shower. I’ve brewed a pot of my favorite tea. I no longer have a doctor’s appointment so I am going to try and relax and read. Music, candles, peace, self-care.

Today is a RED day.

But it is not a black one, so I will survive it.

Right?


 

This started as a journal entry on Thursday. I wasn’t sure if it was something I wanted to share. I’ve never blogged while within an attack before. But if I only share what it’s like when I’m healthy, you’ll never truly understand.

Friday was another rough day. But on Saturday, I drove across town on a freeway that terrifies me, to live tweet and Periscope a 3 hour volunteer event. I played on the floor with dogs and talked to people and helped tote boxes around. I didn’t even wear my walking boot. Sunday, R and I drove all over Dallas looking for houses. I survived. I made progress. I’m ok. And today is a brand new month.

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