Because this is Mental Health Month, and the point is to educate, I think it’s important to be honest and open about what mental illness looks like. So I’m going to share something I wrote late at night in the middle of a migraine episode. I’ve lived with these migraines all my life, and they are scary, dark places full of excruciating pain, but also horrible anxiety and awareness. When I come out of them, I am back to myself, but during an episode–which could last a few hours, or sometimes days–I am often incapacitated.
This time, I managed to write down some of what my brain was cycling through. Be aware–it could be triggering to some.
My brain goes to some pretty dark places when I have a migraine like this. How do I make it stop? Will it ever stop? I can’t function and I am wasting everyone’s time. I want to die. What if I am still like this tomorrow? What if it gets worse? I want to die.
The thing is, as far as migraines go, the pain isn’t that bad. Maybe a 7? I’ve had way worse. But the aura is killing me. The pressure is a weight upon my shoulders, dragging me under until I drown. I can hardly breathe for it. There’s so much pressure I fear my skull might crack. I can’t move my neck. Pain adds to the anxiety, anxiety adds to the pain–they just compound against one another and I can’t see my way out of this.